


Athenian Clam Chowder

by bobadeluxe



Series: Things to do in an eternal paradise [2]
Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Bad Cooking, Fishing, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Injury, M/M, Mild Blood, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22508314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobadeluxe/pseuds/bobadeluxe
Summary: So, uh, perhaps he has been fishing a lot. Perhaps he has been using fishing as an excuse to enjoy some quiet time with Asterius. Perhaps it becomes a habit. Nothing wrong with any of that! Except.. he doesn't know what to do with the clams he caught.(King Theseus attempts to cook: The Fic)
Relationships: Asterius | The Minotaur/Theseus (Hades Video Game), Theseus (Hades Video Game) & Patroclus (Hades Video Game)
Series: Things to do in an eternal paradise [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619428
Comments: 27
Kudos: 174





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of a continuation to Damn I Love Fish, so you might wanna read that one first! I have also made these into a series because I have a lot of ideas for stuff they could do.

Theseus does a lot of fishing these days, though without the vigor he had in the beginning. At a certain point the thought of competing with that fiend.. slips away from his mind. So now he's fishing just for the sake of it. Not that he gives up, mind you. He never gives up! It's simply natural that someone so insignificant and utterly undeserving of any esteem whatsoever would escape Theseus' notice eventually. He has more important matters that require his utmost attention. Such as.. fishing, and how relaxing it is. Almost therapeutic even.The river Lethe has a calming effect on the soul; it feels nice to sit down by the riverside and do nothing for a while.

...Heh, how strange is that! Theseus of all people, finding pleasure in such a thing? He always thought that it is depressing how Patroclus mopes around all day like some sort of recluse, but perhaps that man knows something everyone else don't. Theseus, for one, is surprised at how serene Elysium is. He is used to surrounding himself with crowd of adoring shades, partaking in lavish banquets, and battling his way through the stadium. He never knew how beautiful it is outside the walls, and how peaceful it could be. The most unexpected aspect of this discovery yet is how much he enjoys all of it. The quiet. The calm. Who would know that taking a break from an endless loop of mindless violence would make him feel better?! An unforeseen outcome, truly.

Asterius usually joins him when he is out fishing. At first Theseus feels the urge to fill the silence with conversation, and he's always on edge because he fears Asterius might get bored. Of him. He needs to keep the Bull entertained, and impresses him, and.. welp, turns out that none of it is necessary. Asterius grows more comfortable with the silence after a while, and as each day passes by he too learns to appreciate the nature around them. Unsurprising, It is a far cry from his labyrinth after all. Though one thing keeps bothering Theseus.

So one day he decides to ask, "The silence unnerved you in the past, did it not?"

Asterius narrows his eyes. He seems surprised that Theseus remembers or even notices in the first place. "It did. It still does."

Theseus cringes. "You do not need to accompany me every time, Asterius. I shall be fine on my own."

"I know," Asterius says. "I want to."

Theseus frowns at him, puzzled.

Asterius snorts. "It does not bother me when I am with you."

"Oh? Pray tell, you must enjoy my company quite considerably then, no?" He says with a grin that quickly fades when Asterius answers in earnest.

"Yes. I like being with you."

Theseus couldn't help but blushes. Asterius says it in such a straightforward manner, as if it's something that Theseus should have already known. How could he says something that carries so much weight so.. easily? Theseus doesn't know how to handle genuineness. It flusters him.

"O-of course you do! Everyone does! I am a  _ delight _ . You should be very proud of yourself, Asterius. Many could only dream that one day I would grace them with my presence, let alone indulging in the pleasure that is my company!"

Asterius laughs, but didn't say anything.

He likes being with Asterius, too. Battling alongside him is a gift for sure, and he always looks forward to the celebration that comes afterwards.. but that is not all. Simply being by his side in quiet like this brings Theseus a sense of warmth that is utterly foreign to him. Is this what it's like to be  _ comfortable _ with someone? He likes it. 

It's nice.

So, uh, perhaps he has been fishing a lot. Perhaps he has been using fishing as an excuse to enjoy some quiet time with Asterius.  _ Perhaps  _ it becomes a habit. Nothing wrong with any of that! Except.. he doesn't know what to do with the clams he caught. They're  _ all _ clams and there are many, many,  _ many  _ of them. He never considered catching and releasing them so they've been piling up in their chamber and.. well, let's just say that you have to squint  _ hard _ if you want to see the color of the patterned titles. Navigating around their chamber is becoming increasingly troublesome. Something must be done.

"Oh, Asterius! You must help me forge a path out of this predicament I have caught myself in," Theseus clutches his chest and looks down to to the pile of Chlams surrounding them mournfully. "What does one do with this many clams?"

Asterius (who is standing on the opposite end of the chamber as to avoid clam-stepping) considers their options and suggests, "You could sell them for gemstones."

"Pfft. What am I, a laborer?" Theseus rolls his eyes. "We have gemstones aplenty."

"They could be useful in the restoration of your chariot, if it ever falls again."

"Except that it won't! There is no way in hell or heaven that I, Theseus, greatest king of Athens, would let the Macedonian Tau-Lambda falls at the hands of that property-destroying scourge! Never again, mark my words!"

Asterius snorts, "Cook the clams, then."

Theseus halts, "Huh?"

".. I assumed you know how to cook," Asterius adds somewhat hesitantly.

"Why yes, I do know how to cook! Under my reign, I have single-handedly restored Atenian cultures and improved upon them. Athenian cuisine is now second to none, and it's all from my own efforts."

_ Oh gods _ , why did he say that? Theseus cannot remember the first time he stepped foot into a kitchen, if ever. 

Asterius gave him a small nod, "I will leave you to it then."

"Wait, what? You are not going to help me?"

"I do not know how to cook. I will only get in the way." He steps on a Chlam. "I already have."

_ Blast it.  _ "V-very well, then."

Asterius left and now it's just Theseus and a mountain of clams. What now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come soon... hope you enjoyed this one! I have brain worms I can't stop thinking about these two.
> 
> Do y'all love seafood? It's my favorite. There was a month where I ate nothing but fish, and I have a nickname that means shrimp. Fun facts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cooking time

As it turns out, Patroclus is utterly useless in the kitchen. Theseus doesn't know why he is surprised, but he is.

"Blast it, commander! Is this oversalted watery mess what you consider _cuisine_? I do not know how you entered Achilles' heart, but it could not have been through the stomach for he would have starved, poisoned, and possibly both!"

"That's enough. I do not have to tolerate this," Patroclus starts taking off his apron. 

"No, no, no!" Theseus rushes over to him and hangs on his arm for dear (death?) life. Patroclus makes a token effort to elbow him away, but he lets Theseus hold on. That has to be a good sign. "I am in dire need of assistance! You are a hero, you would not abandon someone in their time of need, would you?"

"I just might," Patroclus frowns. "I am no hero. You do not know me."

"No, I do not." Theseus clings onto him harder. Patroclus is strong, but he is hoping that he is heavy enough to buy himself some time. "Though it might have offended you, my remark did not come from a place of malice, but ignorance. You must have entered Achilles through various orifices - "

_"Please do not phrase it that way."_

" - all of which is none of my business! I swear to never use your lover's name in vain again, so please stay and help me cook these Chlams?"

Patroclus stiffens under his arms, and his eyes are wary, but after an uncomfortably long pause he gives in with heavy sigh.

"As you can see, I am not much help. I have never been a good cook," He mumbles. "But you are desperate. I suppose some questionable amount of assistance is better than none."

"Precisely! Very astute, Patroclus."

"Your flattery is wasted on me, save it for someone else less jaded," He says, but there's no real heat behind the words. "I will stay. Not like I have anywhere else to be, or anything else to do for that matter."

Theseus releases him, then pumps his fist into the air with glee. "Yes! Success!"

"But you are _not_ ordering me around again. This time, you are going to do your part."

Theseus grins, "Let's."

He is relieved that Patroclus agreed to help. If he goes to someone else, he could risk harming his reputation. Imagine! Theseus, greatest king of Athens, clueless with clams. The mere thought sends shiver down his spine. Patroclus is far removed from Elysium stadium, thus he is the perfect candidate. Though he wasn't sure Patroclus would agree, they were never really close. They are two polar opposite men, and what they did have in common wasn't something that Patroclus is pound of. Most of the time, Theseus struggles to understand if Patroclus is just a lone warrior who prefers his own company so he could reminiscences about the past… or he finds Theseus irritating. 

He is impossible to read, and that makes Theseus wants to befriend him even more. He can't stand it when someone isn't immediately taken with him at first sight. It stresses him out. Only evil-doers would despise a hero like Theseus! Patroclus is not an evil-doer so why wouldn't he love Theseus? Because of his _personality?_ Pfft. They just need to spend more time together so Patroclus could observe what a great hero he is! This cooking session is the perfect opportunity. Once they make the finest clam-based dish, their bond will surely be forged through the power of culinary. 

"..What are we making again?" Patroclus stares at him with a strange look in his eyes.

Theseus must have been grinning to himself, whoops. "It is this...soup."

"Yes, I am aware it's a soup. What's it called?"

"It is.." Theseus shrugs. "Soup."

"So you don't know what it's called, yet you complained I wasn't following the recipe correctly."

"I had it once on a ship! It was delicious."

Patroclus pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes. Can shades get a headache? "Unbelievable. What do you remember about it?"

"It is.. clammy."

"I would never have guessed that."

"No, not clammy as in sticky or slimy. The consistency itself is rather thin. I meant 'clammy' as in the main ingredient used is - " Theseus halts mid-sentence when he notices he's being stared at. Realization slowly comes to him. "...Oh, you are being sarcastic."

Is he delusional, or is Patroclus smiling? It almost sounds like he's suppressing his laughter. "Go on. Describe."

Theseus describes the soup as best as he could remember, listing off the various ingredients and the distinct tastes. The kitchen has everything they need stocked up, which is a surprise. Theseus didn't even realize this place has a kitchen. It's paradise; he assumed the food here manifests out of thin air. Goblets are immediately filled with wine whenever someone is parched, and food with no real substance are served to the shades who long for the taste, to indulge and not to sustain. (They're dead after all.) How convenient it is to discover a full kitchen with every ingredient and equipment one desires! Hm, are the Shades who have to cook for the champions here… in hell or paradise? Are they honored to be serving champions, or are they stuck in an eternal life of manual labor? Eh, better to not think about that too much. It's Chlam soup time.

"You prepare the Chlams," Patroclus assigned him a task. "I will take care of the vegetables."

Sounds reasonable enough. Though Patroclus' first attempt tasted horrendous, he seems well-versed in the fundamental basics of cooking. (Just the basics.) Theseus shall let him take the lead. "Leave it to me!"

"Well then."

Theseus just kinda stands there as Patrocus starts washing vegetables in total silence.

He looks at Theseus when he starts dicing potatoes, one eyebrow raised, "Well? What are you looking at me for?"

"A question, If I may," Theseus raises one finger up.

Patroclus groans, "What is it?"

"How does one prepare Chlams?"

"You clean and shuck it."

He wrinkles hid nose, "What is this.. Shucking?" 

"Are you being purposefully - " Patroclus stops himself. "The shuck. You remove it from inside the Chlam."

"Ahh, I see!"

Elysium clam, or Chlam as it is called, (how creative), doesn't look too different from the regular clams. It's just blue, bigger, and has two glowing eyes that are quite terrifying. So this shouldn't be a challenge. The cleaning part is easy, albeit tiring for the ridiculous amount of Chlams he has. Washing sand and other unwanted debris from the shells is.. actually nice. It's mindless and easy, he just had to keep going at it. Then the time comes for 'shucking'. The thing is considerably big, it fits into his palm, so Theseus thought he could just pry it open with his fingers. Wrong. As soon as he got it opened, the Chlams slams itself shut onto his fingers.

" **Argh!** I have been attacked! This is not an ordinary clam, It is alive with evil intent!"

"Use a knife, King Theseus!"

"Ah-ha, great call! Together we shall defeat these Chlams!" Theseus reaches over with his free hand and takes the knife from Patroclus, ready to deal the killing blow.

"No, I meant using a shellfish knife to open it - "

Theseus stabs the knife clean through its shell, his fingers, and the kitchen counter. There was an almost comical pause before his soul could process the pain, and Theseus realizes what he had done. Blood starts spilling out like a fountain.

He screams, "I am bleeding! **Gah**!"

Patroclus stares at him in disbelief, mumbling to himself, _"...What would my love think of me now if he sees me in this sorry state, and the company I now keep.."_

"A small price to pay for Chlam soup!" Theseus grabs onto the counter for purchase.

Patroclus blinks out of his daze, "Wait, what are you doing? Pull the knife out, not lifting your hand - "

His blood gets everywhere, and Patroclus who is standing directly next to him receives the worst of it all. 

"Whoops," Theseus smiles sheepishly. "Good thing we are all dead, yes?"

Patroclus says nothing.

"May I get you a new apron? A change of fresh, new clothes? Perhaps some fluffy towels? Ooh, there's a beautiful fountain outside. The view is breathtaking. You can wash yourself there."

"Use the shellfish knife, King Theseus," The blood soaked Patroclus takes back his equally blood soaked knife. "Carefully, this time. Or else."

"Uh…"

Patroclus continues dicing the vegetables with a level of ferocity that shakes the cutting board _and_ the entire counter. His expression is grim, and his eyes focus on the finely chopped vegetables so intensely that they become bloodshot.

Theseus is terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry patroclus there arent many characters i could torment
> 
> this might go on for more than 3 chapters lmaooo we will see. thank you for reading! hope you enjoyed it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the long-awaited finale...

The injuries Theseus sustained from their cooking session included, but not limited to, stab wounds, burns, cuts, blood loss, concussions, and because of a very long and unfortunate string of events that he'd rather not delve into - drowning. Death is a blessing indeed, these injuries would have been life-threatening if he wasn't a shade. As it is, he could continue his cooking even when his fingers have been crushed by feral clams. Once it is over with, Theseus' chest swells with pride for completing such a daunting task, and to have made it out in relatively one piece! He feels that his bond with Patroclus grows stronger too. One learns a lot about their comrade when they fight side by side, and today (or night?) the kitchen was their battlefield.

"Would you say that we are now brothers in arms?" Theseus asks with a big grin.

Patroclus looks at him like he spawns a new arm from his forehead, "What are you talking about?"

 _Ouch._

"N-nothing!" Theseus splutters. "I am not in anyway suggesting that we are comrades, and certainly not because we have bonded over..soup! Nay, I wish for no such thing!"

Patroclus nods in agreement, "Why would you?"

"Yes! Why would I, the greatest king of Athens.." Theseus started to play along, but then trails off when he realizes there is no way to finish the sentence without disparaging Patroclus' honor, and that isn't right, is it? So instead he asks, "Why wouldn't I?"

Patroclus stares at him curiously and says, "This paradise is a privilege, reserved for the warriors and heroes, the greeks of highest esteem. I am not cut from the same cloth as you, king."

He says it all so casually, as if stating a fact. There's something different in the way he calls Theseus 'king'. It's unlike when Asterius refers to him with the same title. What is it? Disdain, perhaps? Whatever it is, it gives Theseus shivers. He doesn't like it.

"Is that how you see me?" Theseus cringes at how uncertain he sounds. Such lack of confidence is ill-fitting for a king. Former king. Whatever.

"Pardon?"

"So obsessed with status I became blind, unable to recognize an honorable man when I lay my eyes on him?"

"How else am I supposed to see you?" Patroclus' voice is soft, not at all unkind, but his words still cut deep. "I mean no offense, but you never make the effort to present yourself in a more charitable light. I have little choice but to take you at face value."

"You do admit that your judgement is based on assumptions then," Theseus notes.

"I do," He doesn't refuse. "I do not know you, and you do not know me. We have nothing but our own assumption of each other to go on."

"That's not true," Theseus protests, though he doesn't really have an argument in mind. He just.. knows, instinctively, that he knows Patroclus on a deeper level than that. It's not because of the soup either.

"Enlighten me then, if you would be so kind," Patroclus turns the table on him, one eyebrow raises high. "What do you possibly see in me that you believe to be true?"

It comes out before Theseus even processes it, "You are lonely."

Patroclus frowns, "Is that why we are making _soup_? As an excuse for you to force me out of my wallowing?" 

"Is that what we call it now, _wallowing?_ No, I actually had to deal with the surplus of clams - "

"I do not need your pity." His voice is growing annoyed now, and Theseus couldn't help but flinch. "What do you know of loneliness, with the entire kingdom now honoring you in death, and a crowd of adoring shades roaming about?"

"At the end of the day, It's just me and Asterius," Theseus says, his voice lower than usual.

"That's grand. I have no one."

Theseus cringes, "Yes, that's the point I was trying to make. I did not mean for it to come across that way."

Patroclus is quiet for a second. "...Ah."

"Eternity is a long time."

"Of course."

"Shouldn't have said anything, perhaps."

"Perhaps."

This is a disaster.

They both stand in silence next to each other, staring at a pot of soup simmering on the stove. It certainly takes a long time to make soup. Theseus has a new found respect for cooks now.

An eternity or two passes. At some point Patroclus turned off the stove and brought the pot down. Now he's holding a small bowl in one hand, and a ladle in the other. A far cry from the spear and shield heroes wield, but it somehow looks fitting. With a sigh, Patroclus starts scooping up soup.

"I apologize," He says softly. Theseus is confused.

"For what?"

"I was being.. defensive. You will have to forgive me for my scepticism," He hands the bowl of soup to Theseus. "It's difficult to believe that anyone would still want anything to do with me, when he does not."

Theseus receives the bowl. He feels deflated, somehow. "I did not mean to intrude."

"You didn't," Patroclus reassures him. "You are right. Eternity is a long time. I suppose there is nothing wrong with… forging a new bond."

That is… a refreshingly positive conclusion, coming from him. Theseus didn't want to discourage it, so he simply nodded eagerly. Patroclus almost smiles at that, as he retrieves a new bowl and pour himself soup as well. Then he raises it up as one might do with a goblet of wine when they're about to swear royalty to their comrades.

"To eternity," Patroclus says in jest, yet there's something sincere in his mocking gesture. Perhaps it's the willingness, no matter how small, to give Theseus a chance.

So he raises his bowl in kind. "To eternity, indeed!"

Theseus brings the bowl to his lips, then spit the soup out just as quick - right in the Patroclus' face.

"Gods, that was foul! Ugh!" His tongue burns at the repugnant taste; his eyes are watering. “What was that! Disgusting!”

That does it. He could almost hear the straw that broke the camel’s back. “King Theseus, _were you raised in a barn?!”_

“I know that’s a figurative question and all, but I might as well have been. I didn’t grow up amongst luxury, despite my regal appearance! Surprising, no?”

“No, not really.”

“It built character!”

“It’s not that bad, is it?” Patroclus foregos wiping his face to taste the soup. He regrets it immediately. Though he restraints himself from spitting it out, and just grimaces as he dies inside. A much more graceful approach. “That is… awful. Why did I eat that?”

“What went wrong?”

“Nothing,” Patroclus groans. “We did everything exactly as you said.”

“But then why is it - “ Theseus halts. “Oh no.”

Patroclus stares at him, “What?”

“Athenian clam chowder is just…” He slowly realizes. “Bad…”

Memory can be deceiving.

Theseus stands there, mourning the loss of his precious memory. Was it all a lie, distorted by nostalgia now that he is a shade? Everyone clapped, but only reluctantly. Princess what's her face from Some Land and him got into a blow-out fight that humiliated every party involved. The fish was mediocre at best. The soup was awful. The ship of Theseus might have just been a rowboat at this point. He is devastated.

The soup-soaked Patroclus pats his shoulder softly. He recognizes an existential crisis when he sees one, as he’s no stranger to it. “There, there. We will make something else.”

Theseus perks up at that, looking up at him. “Will you help me?” 

“I…” Patroclus sighs. “I suppose. Alright. I will help.”

Ah-ha! Now that’s more like it! It’s a good thing Theseus has plenty of clams left.

* * *

“Welcome back king,” Asterius greets him with a nod, and walks towards him. “I see that you have finished your cooking.”

Theseus was still holding the pot of soup. The.. clam-like abomination of a soup. He’s thinking of a way to get rid of it, fearing that doing so carelessly might result in exposing the residents of Elysium to hazardous waste. He brought it to his chamber, as with most things, hoping that Asterius may know of a solution.

“Ah, yes! It went - “ _horrible,_ he was going to say. He was too slow, too late, because Asterius - gods bless his heart and the quite frankly undeserving trust he put into Theseus - already opened the pot. He picks up the ladle and _oh no._

“Asterius! No!” Again, futile.

Instead of spitting it out or perhaps dying from food poisoning right at the spot however, Asterius is.. Fine. He doesn’t look like his very being is tainted with foul clams. He just blinks at Theseus, confused as to why Theseus is looking at him with fear in his eyes.

“It’s quite good,” Asterius says casually.

Apparently, when you eat children all your life, your taste buds don’t work very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMAO thank you for reading! this was so silly but it was a lot of fun to write  
> stay tuned for more... stupid shit theseus and gang get up to in Elysium


End file.
